Remember me?

6 08 2009

Hi….. Been an age hasn’t it?!

Seems I’ve picked up some new readers, just as I fell off the edge of the earth. I hope you’re still with me.

Since Christmas, I started lithium, had my biggest manic episode ever, just about ruined every aspect of my life…. Then crashed. Fighting the cmht to come off lithium, the soul destroying sweet.

So here I am fighting my way back, my ability to read and write is returning day on day. So over the next few weeks I’m going to blend in the last eight months with current events and aim to relaunch my blog, back to where it should be.

If you’re Reading, say hi…. I love to know I’m not alone!


Btw, blogging from wordpress app on my iPhone, how cools that? 🙂


It’s getting lighter…

25 01 2009

Firstly, happy new year!

I’ve been lame haven’t I?! As allways there’s been a lot going on. I am to summise it here and then pick it apart perhaps.

I’ve “Titrated” from Depakote to Lithium over christmas.

My CPN was withdrawn from me and placed back into crisis work. There are no other CPN’s on staff to replacr her. Meaning my progress has faltered and I have become depressed.

I have started therapy with a Psychologist and started to unpick my life, before we start on Bipolarity.

I have spent a substantial amount of cash on absurd products from eBay, then beaten myself severley for it. My favourite purchase was my cheapest, a Blackberry. I’ve used one for boring work things for ages, now splashing out for personal pleasure!

Infact, I think it’s quite fitting for an internet addict. I’m blogging from it now! Hooefully it hellp me hit my goal of posting little and often! It’s an older model, but should keep me going until I upgrade in september.

So there we are, that’s me. Whilst I listen to the wind whipping up to a storm, I will sign off.

– Beeper – xx

Share With Me

10 12 2008


5 12 2008

What the hell is irritation and what is it’s use?

I am seriously wound up at the moment, every little incident or flicker of issue is triggering my irritation and mania. I can’t stop spending, I’m looking at things that I know I don’t need and are bloody expensive for example a PS3, a Polaroid PoGo mini-printer, things which will give me short-term pleasure and relief from my irritation but will then turn to serve me further irritation and upset when it comes to paying for it.

My CPN cancelled our appointment on me Yesterday, she text me to say she wasn’t in work and that she would call me today. I text her to say that it was ok, but is it ok? This is my second week on Lithium and I feel a bit isolated, I felt a bit let down that she wasn’t around. My CPN is I would say the only person that understands my highs, spots them and talks me through it, for this reason I think this hurt a bit this time. so far no phone call, the niggling voice says she won’t call as she doesn’t give a shit either way, but there’s a part of me hoping she does call… I need some spurring on and I want the nag to be proved wrong.

My concentration is shot, I can’t read anything for more than 2-3 minutes and even then I’m staring. My speech is slurring and jagged and I’m becoming a little frustrated, it’s like having a speech impediment, I understand their annoyances.

Sleep is laughable, if I’m lucky…… I’m in bed by 2am and up at 7am, disturbed throughout the night. I can’t sleep, I don’t want to sleep. It’s as though my brain is scared of missing something if I sleep, not sure what it is. The soundtrack that accompanies me when I feel like this is loud, noisy and non-stop. It’s my own voice. Constantly analysing myself, the day, family, purchasing, obsessing over my latest random interest.

To my partner this makes no sense, the time between us is gone as I am distanct. I can’t do touch, I don’t want to commuicate. I can’t stop talking, but it’s not making a lot of sense, it’s just rambling. It eats me up, but she’s got used to blocking it out.

Every gesture from every person is upsetting me, from the look a random car driver gives me to the way a dog trots into the office. The person that irritates me the most is myself, I can see me getting tense and then I get angry about my tension. It’s a never ending cycle, which I find hard to communicate to people. They say back to me that I should relax, not be so hard on myself. It makes sense, but that’s the whole point, I don’t make sense and I don’t know how to break that down into practical work.


I had a situation at work this morning, I know that the official term for this is probably “trigger”. It almost sent me into orbit. Have a read of this and tell me if it would have hit a nerve with you:-

I work for a very small company, there are 5 full-time members of staff and a temp (for the Christmas period).  I get a phone call at 11am from a colleague, what am I doing for lunch?  My answer? I don’t know as I haven’t planed anything.  I was then told the rest of the office are going for lunch and could I cover the phone…. meaning I was not invited.

I hit the roof (internally), my work has saved their arses in the last few weeks.  Last week alone I had to invoice all November deliveries because of the budget change, a whole £5.5 million worth on my own and this is my thanks.  It was the hardest bitterest de motivator I think I’ve had in my time here, they say actions speak louder than words and believe me the message has come in loud and clear.  It’s back to minimum work again, no more than I need to do to get by and no personal favours, why if I am as indispensable as they make out, can’t I have a perk?

So here I am it’s 5pm and my CPN hasn’t called, seems that the nag was right after all, how disappointing.  The one thing that I need is consistency, perhaps as my partner points out my standards are just far too high and people can’t meet them!

Either way, I’m exhausted for once…. I think today has worn me out.  I have to go to the outlaws tonight to colour some hair and have dinner, following that I think it will be a shower and an early night, with as few provocations as possible.

It’s a full on weekend again, repairing PC’s, tidying up…. trying to be nicer to my girl.  Whatever you’re doing, make it fun and have a good one.


I’m Here and You’re There!

2 12 2008

Life can be fun….

How many times have you read on a blog, “I’ve been missing in action”, or “sorry I haven’t been around” ? Especially bipolar blogs? Well I’ll try and avoid the moans…. as much as I can.

I’ve not been up to much personally, just swinging about in my mood and trying my hardest to figure out how to make this stop.  Depakote is not working, my team and I have called time on it after 10 months of rapid cycling, my hair is falling out worse than ever and I’ve managed to put on 2.5 stone in the same period of time by doing nothing extra…. oh the shame (ha ha).

I am now entering a tritation period for Lithium:-

Over 8 weeks I am coming off Depaokte and stepping up Lithium. Everyone has been cautious in using the Lithium word around me and being cautious about me starting it, meaning family and friends really.

Please don’t take me for being flippant, but things have been tough and since I last wrote, I’ve been high three times!  I’ve been classically irritable, illogical and frustrated and pushed to the point I’ve wanted to peel my own eyes for a glimmer of relief.  Lithium for me is an opportuity to rid me of some pressure and I for one welcome that thought.

Initially I am on a small dose alongside Depakote, I was spaced out on day one and had tummy issues on day three but besides that, it’s going ok.  I had my bloods done yesterday and my dose is being doubled tomorrow night, so we’ll see how it carries on, I have a positive attitude towards it and high hopes.

On a personal note, a switch inside me clicked.  I’m fed up with being very over weight and unhealthy, I saw a photo of me in a swimsuit and was utterly disgusted with myself.  I made a vow there and there to change for the better.  I have reduced my eating to below my daily required amount, AT & I have taken up night-time walking… it’s great!

Every night after dinner, we get wrapped up like snug bugs and walk through the darkness at a brisk pace.  I have to admit, I MAKE myself do this even when I’ve had a tough day or I feel awful, I find it helps to lift me.

Our other regime is a little less conventional and quite fun, it’s Nintendo’s Wii Fit.  We can see the weight going down, but also enjoy a bit of super fast step class or rhythm boxing…. it’s so much more entertaining if you do it in your underwear…. just make sure the curtains are shut first!

In the two weeks since the switch over, I’ve lost about 6 pounds which I’m proud of.  I’ve a load more to lose, but I want to work towards living holistically and see what happens.

In the time since I last wrote, I have had a number of emails and messages from you.  Firstly thanks for reading and secondly, thanks for your messages.

Let’s see if I can share a little more of myself online like I aimed to!


This Is My Only Connection Right Now…

10 09 2008

Overpowered – Roisin Murphy

When I think that I’m over you
I’m overpowered

Your date on my data
The chromosomes match
Exact as in matter
A matter of fact

These amourant feelings
A cognitive state
Need the love object
To reciprocate

When I think that I’m over you
I’m overpowered
It’s long overdue
I’m overpowered

When I think that I’m over you
I’m overpowered
It’s long overdue
I’m overpowered

A chemical reason
If reason’s your game
A chemical needing
Is there in the brain

With preprogrammed meanings
Like a little more pep
Alien feelings
We have to accept

When I think that I’m over you
I’m overpowered
It’s long overdue
I’m overpowered

When I think that I’m over you
I’m overpowered
It’s long overdue
I’m overpowered

As science struggles on to try to explain
Oxytoxins flowing ever into my brain

As science struggles on to try to explain
Oxytoxins flowing ever into my brain

Well Hello…..

16 07 2008

Ok .. Ok.. I haven’t posted in three weeks. Trust me when I say you wouldn’t have wanted me to!

I’ve been high, excited, driven and hilarious.  Then angry, irrational, paranoid and aggressive. And as a finale, I’ve been both at the same time and ramped it to the point I wanted scream. My Depakote has been increased to 1750mg per day, with Runny Bum and acid reflux as the side effects.  Calling for emergency blood tests to check for Pancreatic reactions.

After two weeks of that I crashed, all the (cannon) balls I threw in the air while high, are falling and hitting me hard.  The promised websites, the work I should be doing is like algebra, although a breeze most of the time.  Words leap around the screen, I walk into rooms and can’t figure out why and what I’m there for.  Simple tasks are draining me of all energy, speaking is a task.  I fall asleep in weird places and baby times and after about five years, I’m learning what tired feels like.

So yes, I came down.  I’m currently pulling it together, trying to sort a sleeping pattern, to have some uniformity and relaxation.  I miss being bale to read and write, as they are two of my greatest passions.  I’ve tried for the first time in weeks to pick something up and attempt to ignore the chaos, I have a great list of future posts in mind, so don’t go anywhere!

Back into generality, my boss is back home today from her holidays.  I’m polishing up on my bullshitting and deflection… she writes me a “shopping list” each time she’s away of tasks she wants me to complete.  I’ve done about 4 out of the 16, for two reasons:-

  1. I had 2 days leave at the end of last week she forgot about
  2. I really can’t concentrate on one issue long enough to do it, even spreadsheets mince my brain at the moment

Although I recently came out s Bipolar to her, combined with the fact she’s and ex-Psychiatric nurse, I still have guilt issues around my inability to concentrate which affects my work.  I explained to her that sometimes I’ll be amazing and do 6 million things at once and she admitted she’d seen it.  I also said that sometimes I really struggle to function, this is one of those such times.  I’ve not dealt with her reaction to it yet, I don;t want to disappoint, but I’m piling the pressure on.

I did a positive thing yesterday, I called my local MDF self-help group.  I’m not really one of tea and sympathy, although I will offer you some whole hearted understanding.  I was surprised by the group leader who was supportive and switched on, I’m looking to join the self-management programme.  It looks like I may venture accross in September, it’s not really local, more like a 20/30 mile round trip, but it may be worthwhile.

Life’s picking up then…. I’ll write more when the eyes can focus.  I hope you’re keeping safe?