What Is Bipolar Disorder?

I could add some minced posh bits in here, to show you what Bipolar Affective Disorder is like, or as the affectionados like to refer to it, Manic Depression. The thing is, this disease, like the people consumed, is individual and delicate. For that reason, I’m going to explain what Bipolar means to me and what it is like on a very basic level. I will add a few official bits on the end for interest.

Please remember, this section is not to be confused with a diagnostic tool nor is it comprehensive, it is merely a simple explanation of Bipolar from one solitary person under the label.

In it’s simplest form, Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder meaning that your mood switches between elation and deep dark moods, often without any reason or explanation. The elated moods are called Hypomania (Mania is reserved for extreme cases) and the signals are often fairly obvious to spot, as follows:-

• Decreased need for sleep
• Rapid speech and word association
• Increased obsessive behaviours
• Large bursts of energy
• Spending sprees
• Interest in new hobbies
• Poor judgement
• Irritation that people don;t understand you and your thoughts / great plans
• Arrogant pushy behaviour
• Large increases in self belief
• Highly distractable
• Racing thoughts / Over thinking
• Feelings of exhilaration, irritation and bliss
• Paranoia
• Heightened sex drives
• Hallucinations (in some cases)

The low moods are known as depression, don’t be fooled by it’s common over use in today’s language. depression is disabling, here are some of the signals displayed in a depressed state:-

• Decreased energy levels
• Lethargy
• Poor self esteem
• Inability to concentrate or think
• Overly emotional outbursts
• Indecision
• Morbid thoughts and fascinations
• Unexplainable aches and pains
• High levels of anxiety
• Loss of interest in pleasurable activities
• Oversleeping or Undersleeping
• Social withdrawal
• Appetite changes

Most people will relate to some of the feelings above, normally due to stresses, family issues and suchlike. The difference being Bipolar Disorder will trigger these feeling off with no reason and you will encounter them with ferocity and regularity, leaving you open to a damaged or shortened life remains untreated.

HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO ME?

I’m 32 as you know, apparently the most common age for diagnosis. I’ve grown up beliving that this is just how I am, common phrases people banded about me from childhood to the age of 32 included:-

• Hyper sensitive
• Over thinker
• Wears her heart on her sleeve
• Too talkative
• Vulnerable
• Bossy
• Cold hearted

In reality, I suffer with classic Bipolar symptoms and have done since the age of 7. This is a whole 25 years, all of my identity has been established around Bipolar Disorder!

I have learnt that I cycle into two forms of Hypomania, once I have started sometimes this can list into a more assertive version of Hypomania, as follows:-

Mild Hypomania

• No desire to sleep
• Talking constantly, in my head, at the TV, to anyone
• Large urges to spend money as “I deserve it”
• Risk taking with new ideas and sometimes new jobs
• Giggly, cheeky outlook, making people laugh
• Upbeat pace
• Increased visible energy, fidgeting, twitching etc
• Reading more, researching things on the Internet to intricate detail

If I don’t catch it here, or sometimes even when I do, it rises to:-

Increased Hypomania

Inludes all of the above, and:-

• Growing irritation and frustration
• Inability to filter my speech, jokes that are close the bone
• Lack of tolerance to anyone or anything
• OCD traits around cleanliness and locks
• Spending money on large items
• Trouble speaking, it’s fast, confused and strained and full of rhymes
• I fly off at tangents, people don’t keep up
• Aggressive demeanour, I develop a “fuck off face”
• Multi-tasking at a silly pace, enjoy do many jobs at once
• Over familiarity and boldness
• Brewing hatred, which comes out as a “white rage” – explosion
• Road rage
• Pure, irritation at everything, to the urge I want to peel my skin off. Can’t sit still, don;t know what to do, pace, twitch, rage.

MY ROAD TO DIAGNOSIS

I have followed the typical path of denying anything being wrong, although I knew deep down it was and hating myself for not being flippant and relaxed like everyone else I see. I was on antidepressants at 14, 26 after major depressive episodes. I have undergone tests for everything to check out physical issues, Diabetes, Anaemia and Hyperthyroidism. Doctor’s just wanted me out of their office, as they, themselves couldn’t figure out what was wrong. They tried offering me sleeping tablets and potions just to go away, it sounds like I spent a lot of time harassing Doctor’s, trust me when I say I didn’t. I only ever went on my Girlfriend’s orders or when the depression hit too hard.

My last attempt at this, was just before Christmas 2007. I was ill, unable to sleep and ratty in my mood, for some reason I think my noosebleeds, hospital had taken blood from me and done an on the spot diabetes check, which gave me a very low sugar reading. The nurse told me to book in with my (previously understanding) doctor, which I did.

I took my Girlfriend with me, we explained about my lack of sleep, my switches in mood, my irritation and anger and noise sensitive, my inability to cope any longer. My Doctor’s advice? Take a not bath and here’s a prescription for some sleeping tablets. I was so hurt, after waiting over three weeks to see him, that this was the best he could do! I tore the prescription up.