I’m Here and You’re There!

Life can be fun….

How many times have you read on a blog, “I’ve been missing in action”, or “sorry I haven’t been around” ? Especially bipolar blogs? Well I’ll try and avoid the moans…. as much as I can.

I’ve not been up to much personally, just swinging about in my mood and trying my hardest to figure out how to make this stop.  Depakote is not working, my team and I have called time on it after 10 months of rapid cycling, my hair is falling out worse than ever and I’ve managed to put on 2.5 stone in the same period of time by doing nothing extra…. oh the shame (ha ha).

I am now entering a tritation period for Lithium:-

In medicine, titration is the process of gradually adjusting the dose of a medication until the desired effect is achieved.

Over 8 weeks I am coming off Depaokte and stepping up Lithium. Everyone has been cautious in using the Lithium word around me and being cautious about me starting it, meaning family and friends really.

Please don’t take me for being flippant, but things have been tough and since I last wrote, I’ve been high three times!  I’ve been classically irritable, illogical and frustrated and pushed to the point I’ve wanted to peel my own eyes for a glimmer of relief.  Lithium for me is an opportuity to rid me of some pressure and I for one welcome that thought.

Initially I am on a small dose alongside Depakote, I was spaced out on day one and had tummy issues on day three but besides that, it’s going ok.  I had my bloods done yesterday and my dose is being doubled tomorrow night, so we’ll see how it carries on, I have a positive attitude towards it and high hopes.

On a personal note, a switch inside me clicked.  I’m fed up with being very over weight and unhealthy, I saw a photo of me in a swimsuit and was utterly disgusted with myself.  I made a vow there and there to change for the better.  I have reduced my eating to below my daily required amount, AT & I have taken up night-time walking… it’s great!

Every night after dinner, we get wrapped up like snug bugs and walk through the darkness at a brisk pace.  I have to admit, I MAKE myself do this even when I’ve had a tough day or I feel awful, I find it helps to lift me.

Our other regime is a little less conventional and quite fun, it’s Nintendo’s Wii Fit.  We can see the weight going down, but also enjoy a bit of super fast step class or rhythm boxing…. it’s so much more entertaining if you do it in your underwear…. just make sure the curtains are shut first!

In the two weeks since the switch over, I’ve lost about 6 pounds which I’m proud of.  I’ve a load more to lose, but I want to work towards living holistically and see what happens.

In the time since I last wrote, I have had a number of emails and messages from you.  Firstly thanks for reading and secondly, thanks for your messages.

Let’s see if I can share a little more of myself online like I aimed to!

-D-

This Is My Only Connection Right Now…

Overpowered – Roisin Murphy

When I think that I’m over you
I’m overpowered

Your date on my data
The chromosomes match
Exact as in matter
A matter of fact

These amourant feelings
A cognitive state
Need the love object
To reciprocate

When I think that I’m over you
I’m overpowered
It’s long overdue
I’m overpowered

When I think that I’m over you
I’m overpowered
It’s long overdue
I’m overpowered

A chemical reason
If reason’s your game
A chemical needing
Is there in the brain

With preprogrammed meanings
Like a little more pep
Alien feelings
We have to accept

When I think that I’m over you
I’m overpowered
It’s long overdue
I’m overpowered

When I think that I’m over you
I’m overpowered
It’s long overdue
I’m overpowered

As science struggles on to try to explain
Oxytoxins flowing ever into my brain

As science struggles on to try to explain
Oxytoxins flowing ever into my brain

Well Hello…..

Ok .. Ok.. I haven’t posted in three weeks. Trust me when I say you wouldn’t have wanted me to!

I’ve been high, excited, driven and hilarious.  Then angry, irrational, paranoid and aggressive. And as a finale, I’ve been both at the same time and ramped it to the point I wanted scream. My Depakote has been increased to 1750mg per day, with Runny Bum and acid reflux as the side effects.  Calling for emergency blood tests to check for Pancreatic reactions.

After two weeks of that I crashed, all the (cannon) balls I threw in the air while high, are falling and hitting me hard.  The promised websites, the work I should be doing is like algebra, although a breeze most of the time.  Words leap around the screen, I walk into rooms and can’t figure out why and what I’m there for.  Simple tasks are draining me of all energy, speaking is a task.  I fall asleep in weird places and baby times and after about five years, I’m learning what tired feels like.

So yes, I came down.  I’m currently pulling it together, trying to sort a sleeping pattern, to have some uniformity and relaxation.  I miss being bale to read and write, as they are two of my greatest passions.  I’ve tried for the first time in weeks to pick something up and attempt to ignore the chaos, I have a great list of future posts in mind, so don’t go anywhere!

Back into generality, my boss is back home today from her holidays.  I’m polishing up on my bullshitting and deflection… she writes me a “shopping list” each time she’s away of tasks she wants me to complete.  I’ve done about 4 out of the 16, for two reasons:-

1. I had 2 days leave at the end of last week she forgot about
2. I really can’t concentrate on one issue long enough to do it, even spreadsheets mince my brain at the moment

Although I recently came out s Bipolar to her, combined with the fact she’s and ex-Psychiatric nurse, I still have guilt issues around my inability to concentrate which affects my work.  I explained to her that sometimes I’ll be amazing and do 6 million things at once and she admitted she’d seen it.  I also said that sometimes I really struggle to function, this is one of those such times.  I’ve not dealt with her reaction to it yet, I don;t want to disappoint, but I’m piling the pressure on.

I did a positive thing yesterday, I called my local MDF self-help group.  I’m not really one of tea and sympathy, although I will offer you some whole hearted understanding.  I was surprised by the group leader who was supportive and switched on, I’m looking to join the self-management programme.  It looks like I may venture accross in September, it’s not really local, more like a 20/30 mile round trip, but it may be worthwhile.

Life’s picking up then…. I’ll write more when the eyes can focus.  I hope you’re keeping safe?

-Beeper-

Feeling High and MIA

OK true true I’ve been missing in action, thing is I’m high, I hate it, been high now for over a week at this stage, probably longer when I look back.

I’m finding it hard to concentrate and I’m busy, so anything that interferes with that is lost.

Contact Lenses
Washing
Sleeping
Talking

I’m making plans, eBay is going really REALLY well and everything I touch is making money. It’s getting obsessional though.

The channelling is happening again, where I drive everything so hard and fast I can’t get my words out, I look like a twaddling, stumbling arse as my words are quick and jumbled and I’m getting myself frustrated and in a twist. The irritability is back, marry this with the inability to communicate and I’m a bit of a loose cannon. I think I’ve told “you” what’s upsetting me, when really I’ve zapped out fifteen random words at the speed of light, which you don’t understand. You’ve then repeated the thing that’s irritating me as you didn’t understand me, and the reaction is twice as big!!!

My CPN and Psychiatrist are a little concerned that even though I’m on a dose of 1000mg Depakote and 20mg Citolopram, I am not reacting to it. I am still rapidly cycling, getting cycles two/three times a week and non-drowsiness. There’s no sleep (5 hours If I’m lucky) and the brain is going like the clappers, non-Bipolars don’t understand this. Why can’t you just relax, slow down? Good question, fuck knows is the answer, if I could trust me I would….

… So yeh hating this stage, had my Depakote increased to 1500mg per day as of Yesterday, hopefully this will bring some of the relief that I have been craving. I just want to pull my own skin off at the moment, people are constantly saying “oh but you’re so rational”, I am rational, that’s why this is particularly difficult.

Here I am, trying to sit this high out, without breaking to many eggs or upsetting too many people – self included.

I’ll come back when I feel a bit more constructive and when the brain is able to cope without a spellchecker and a fog of misery.

Stay well

-Beeper-