Ok .. Ok.. I haven’t posted in three weeks. Trust me when I say you wouldn’t have wanted me to!
I’ve been high, excited, driven and hilarious. Then angry, irrational, paranoid and aggressive. And as a finale, I’ve been both at the same time and ramped it to the point I wanted scream. My Depakote has been increased to 1750mg per day, with Runny Bum and acid reflux as the side effects. Calling for emergency blood tests to check for Pancreatic reactions.
After two weeks of that I crashed, all the (cannon) balls I threw in the air while high, are falling and hitting me hard. The promised websites, the work I should be doing is like algebra, although a breeze most of the time. Words leap around the screen, I walk into rooms and can’t figure out why and what I’m there for. Simple tasks are draining me of all energy, speaking is a task. I fall asleep in weird places and baby times and after about five years, I’m learning what tired feels like.
So yes, I came down. I’m currently pulling it together, trying to sort a sleeping pattern, to have some uniformity and relaxation. I miss being bale to read and write, as they are two of my greatest passions. I’ve tried for the first time in weeks to pick something up and attempt to ignore the chaos, I have a great list of future posts in mind, so don’t go anywhere!
Back into generality, my boss is back home today from her holidays. I’m polishing up on my bullshitting and deflection… she writes me a “shopping list” each time she’s away of tasks she wants me to complete. I’ve done about 4 out of the 16, for two reasons:-
- I had 2 days leave at the end of last week she forgot about
- I really can’t concentrate on one issue long enough to do it, even spreadsheets mince my brain at the moment
Although I recently came out s Bipolar to her, combined with the fact she’s and ex-Psychiatric nurse, I still have guilt issues around my inability to concentrate which affects my work. I explained to her that sometimes I’ll be amazing and do 6 million things at once and she admitted she’d seen it. I also said that sometimes I really struggle to function, this is one of those such times. I’ve not dealt with her reaction to it yet, I don;t want to disappoint, but I’m piling the pressure on.
I did a positive thing yesterday, I called my local MDF self-help group. I’m not really one of tea and sympathy, although I will offer you some whole hearted understanding. I was surprised by the group leader who was supportive and switched on, I’m looking to join the self-management programme. It looks like I may venture accross in September, it’s not really local, more like a 20/30 mile round trip, but it may be worthwhile.
Life’s picking up then…. I’ll write more when the eyes can focus. I hope you’re keeping safe?
-Beeper-
…how have you been?