Feeling High and MIA

OK true true I’ve been missing in action, thing is I’m high, I hate it, been high now for over a week at this stage, probably longer when I look back.

I’m finding it hard to concentrate and I’m busy, so anything that interferes with that is lost.

Contact Lenses
Washing
Sleeping
Talking

I’m making plans, eBay is going really REALLY well and everything I touch is making money. It’s getting obsessional though.

The channelling is happening again, where I drive everything so hard and fast I can’t get my words out, I look like a twaddling, stumbling arse as my words are quick and jumbled and I’m getting myself frustrated and in a twist. The irritability is back, marry this with the inability to communicate and I’m a bit of a loose cannon. I think I’ve told “you” what’s upsetting me, when really I’ve zapped out fifteen random words at the speed of light, which you don’t understand. You’ve then repeated the thing that’s irritating me as you didn’t understand me, and the reaction is twice as big!!!

My CPN and Psychiatrist are a little concerned that even though I’m on a dose of 1000mg Depakote and 20mg Citolopram, I am not reacting to it. I am still rapidly cycling, getting cycles two/three times a week and non-drowsiness. There’s no sleep (5 hours If I’m lucky) and the brain is going like the clappers, non-Bipolars don’t understand this. Why can’t you just relax, slow down? Good question, fuck knows is the answer, if I could trust me I would….

… So yeh hating this stage, had my Depakote increased to 1500mg per day as of Yesterday, hopefully this will bring some of the relief that I have been craving. I just want to pull my own skin off at the moment, people are constantly saying “oh but you’re so rational”, I am rational, that’s why this is particularly difficult.

Here I am, trying to sit this high out, without breaking to many eggs or upsetting too many people – self included.

I’ll come back when I feel a bit more constructive and when the brain is able to cope without a spellchecker and a fog of misery.

Stay well

-Beeper-