Feeling High and MIA

OK true true I’ve been missing in action, thing is I’m high, I hate it, been high now for over a week at this stage, probably longer when I look back.

I’m finding it hard to concentrate and I’m busy, so anything that interferes with that is lost.

Contact Lenses
Washing
Sleeping
Talking

I’m making plans, eBay is going really REALLY well and everything I touch is making money. It’s getting obsessional though.

The channelling is happening again, where I drive everything so hard and fast I can’t get my words out, I look like a twaddling, stumbling arse as my words are quick and jumbled and I’m getting myself frustrated and in a twist. The irritability is back, marry this with the inability to communicate and I’m a bit of a loose cannon. I think I’ve told “you” what’s upsetting me, when really I’ve zapped out fifteen random words at the speed of light, which you don’t understand. You’ve then repeated the thing that’s irritating me as you didn’t understand me, and the reaction is twice as big!!!

My CPN and Psychiatrist are a little concerned that even though I’m on a dose of 1000mg Depakote and 20mg Citolopram, I am not reacting to it. I am still rapidly cycling, getting cycles two/three times a week and non-drowsiness. There’s no sleep (5 hours If I’m lucky) and the brain is going like the clappers, non-Bipolars don’t understand this. Why can’t you just relax, slow down? Good question, fuck knows is the answer, if I could trust me I would….

… So yeh hating this stage, had my Depakote increased to 1500mg per day as of Yesterday, hopefully this will bring some of the relief that I have been craving. I just want to pull my own skin off at the moment, people are constantly saying “oh but you’re so rational”, I am rational, that’s why this is particularly difficult.

Here I am, trying to sit this high out, without breaking to many eggs or upsetting too many people – self included.

I’ll come back when I feel a bit more constructive and when the brain is able to cope without a spellchecker and a fog of misery.

Stay well

-Beeper-

CPN Care

I’ve been promising this post for a little while, before I get engrossed… thanks for my recent comments. It’s nice to know I’m not in cyberspace alone and that these words float out to someone, somewhere and raise a thought.

CPN CARE

I first heard the term CPN on an Internet forum, people were talking their CPN’s down and really dragging their experiences out in the open for all to see. I had to google CPN to see what it meant, realising that it was meant “community psychiatric nurse”, christ I didn’t even know what Bipolar meant until February 2008!

As I am a complete n00b to my Bipolarity, even though the cycle is well embedded. I have started into the system aged 32, will all my defences, flaws and hard headed conceptions. I met my CPN for the first time at my first CMHT (community mental health team) meeting, she was my first point of care and understanding, undertaking my initial assessment and family history. Watching my tears, dechipering my mumbles, listening to some of the shocking and egocentric thoughts I have, along with high behaviours and indicators.

You see I had no idea what the hell would happen once the doctor hit the send button and sent my information off in a referral, I was on the way to the experts. Who tells you what happens next?

No one that’s who, I went fishing on the forums for some reassurances and walked away with some informative and supportive posts, weaved in with the “my Bipolar is harder than yours” posts, I’ve never seen it as a competition, why the hell would you want it to be worse than it is? That’s messy.

At the time of my referral, I was highly anxious, suicidally depressed and starting anti depressants this added some additional weight and paranoia into the daily equation.

Fortunately, I was seen in about six weeks from the referral. The anti depressants were starting to do something, I was high as hell though looking back at the assessment, as above I met my CPN with an open mind. She’s my age exactly, cheeky as hell and quite flippant. This unnerves me for some reason, someone my age making decisions and managing my health, I forget sometimes that I’m actually 32 and not 4.

At this initial meeting, my CPN asked me to identify indicators with her, to show when I’m depressed or high. Allowing her to watch for them, I could barely think of any, some of which I really didn’t want to be discussing with a girl at our first meeting (hyersexuality is a BIG sign). She explained that we would meet once a week and see how things progressed, week one she was sick, so that one hit the skids from the off.

On my next visit, she advised me that I am indeed Bipolar. This freaked me out to high heaven, I have heard that it takes years of assessments and reviews before most people get a diagnosis. I admit, I fell between the medical cracks for twenty five years, but a diagnosis within three months and two CMHT meetings? It was only fair for me to ask how they based this, I was advised that due to my detailed history and very clear exhibeted Bipolar behaviour, I was textbook. Wow, really wasn’t expecting to hear that.

From our first meeting, I think my CPN and I have been like a pair of cats circling each other. We’ve switched venue from the CMHT HQ to my house of a luncthime, making things a little easier. I’m hard headed and really take my time to trust and open up, there are things I’ve done or thought about that I barely admit to myself, that I’ve never told another living soul, how do you express this stuff?

She’s been rather comforting but non-comittal and aloof, a lot of our appointments have changed at the last minute or been cancelled for random reasons. Some of the time I have been involved in other CMHT issues, like seeing the Psychiatrist, being a guest speaker at a training day and we’ve overlapped. On more than one occassion, she’s pulled my leg or said “get over it” in a phone call and I’ve taken offence to it, become sultry and paranoid and subsequently a little withdrawn in our chats. As an expert at covering up, I think I can run rings around her….. but why should I?

After a number of let down’s, upsets, paranoia days and mixed episodes. I didn’t want to be a forum beater as I had read, the only way I could see forward was honesty. People make me laugh when they say they’re honest, when what they mean is they’re rude and obnoxious. Honesty doesn’t have to be like this.

I am an ex-business person, and ex-high flyer. I know how to people manage and when you add this with a bit of people magnetism and charm, this is why I always seem confident to others, I know how to achieve my goals as painlessly as possible… A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

So in my most recent session (13/06/08), we had the chat, she didn’t know it was coming and afterwards she left thinking she had masterminded it. Excuse me for sounding smug, I am, this is the trait of mine I value the best, it’s like having a silent fart in a lift and it passing undetected, so satisfying although a bit twisted.

I raised all my issues in a motivational way, I explained that I know it may sound selfish, but this is what I need:-

• consistency
• honesty
• time
• structure
• communication

I will return the favour, it means that we can try and get something out of our time together and improve my mental health a little. She was a little saddened by my paranoia confession, but I felt she needed to know the effects of these changes.

Something set me off, as we ended on a big high, she said she didn’t want to leave she was enjoying herself and I then went on to come out (Bipolar) at work!

We’ll see how it goes, next session is tomorrow, I’m hoping things develop.

People online have told me how lucky I am to have a CPN, I’m not quite sure on the take for this one. It’s nice having someone to talk to, but remember, they’re not a friend, they record your conversations and issues. CPN’s are trained as medical staff, not emotional support staff. They’re around to make sure you are taking your tablets, that your medication is working and that you are seeing the right people at the right time, part of this touches on life review, but really this is just for impact analysis.

I reply to these comments fully, it’s nice to know that someone out there is watching your progress, but as much as they can help you they can damage you. They are human and and are unable by their own actions to hold you up, and sort your life out. They’ll miss appointments, they’ll say the wrong thing, sometimes they’ll leave and you’ll wonder why you bothered making the time to meet with them.

As I said, the jury is still out for me, as much as the support is new for me, it’s a bind letting the mask down and explaining your innermost thoughts and fears with someone who scribbles furiously on a notepad.

CPN Round Up

• remember your CPN works for you as well as your trust, explain to them what you need and how you respond to this best. Could you walk into any old office and start working without instruction?
• CPN’s are human, they will miss appointments, screw up and generally have bad days, it’s not always down to you, try and be objective.
• ask questions and set objectives, you’re an adult, you can take care of yourself ask for the services you feel will make a difference, if you get a no, ask for detail.
• listen, as a Bipolar person, I fail at this spectacularly, believing no-one could know better than me. They do though, a CPN’s opinion is a new opinion or insight, use it.
• equip your CPN as much as possible, prep them with charts, diaries and indicators. The more information you provide them with, the better they can work on your behalf.

I’m not sure if I’ve hit the appropriate markers here or not, let me know your thoughts…. I like a bit of debate.

-Beeper-

Hi …

.. It’s been a while.

Let me start by telling you about my awful morning, I feel I know you well enough to be straight up, I hate visiting the dentist. There said it, it’s a joint first in the anxiety inducing stakes with flying.

I am a typical Bipolar person you see, with a self depreciation issue the same as most. I don’t drown myself in alcohol, nor do I use illicit drugs, I don’t self harm in the conventional way. I abuse sugar and caffeine, it’s my way of exerting my lack of control.

As you can imagine, this has taken it’s toll on both my weight and my teeth. Combine this issue with awful NHS treatment, who probably did more harm than good. I have in the last six months, joined a top notch private practice and resigned myself to a year of pain to put right the wrongs and prevent me being toothless before I’m 40!

I need a root canal on my right bottom molar, thing is the nerve is too inflamed. We have had three previous attempts at this, each time over 4 injections and one directly into the open nerve (I can’t describe the pain of this) and I’m no nearer to getting it resolved.

So at 8am this morning, I was trying to get ready, shaking like a pooping dog and trying to be positive. I’m conscious that I look an arse in front of these people, yes it’s painful, I get paranoid about them believing me, I can’t take the pain without treatment and I can’t take the pain of the treatment…. hmm.

9am, at dentist’s. Sitting in the waiting room, I feel the anxiety building, try to dismiss it. Music seems loud, it’s barely above a whisper, but it’s filling my head, this is the last place on earth I want to be. So… full of front, in I go. I make a number of self depreciating jokes to try and excuse what I predict is going to be a messy appointment. Paranoia is on overdrive, I’m feeling sick, twitching about, rambling and lie down waiting for it all to start. Why can’t they just put people to sleep and do the work? My boss’ daxie (dog) went to the vet yesterday to have his teeth done, he was put out and it all done while he was under (lucky git).

I won’t bore you with all of the details, just the run down. I was in the chair 2 hours, over 10 injections in two teeth, two in nerves of said teeth. The first injection into the nerve was so painful, I screamed, jumped in the chair and spontaneously started crying. Although it was massively embarrassing, it was a huge relief to be able to cry. I had to explain that I was feeling overly emotional, I don’t think they really understood. I have to go back again for another attempt and a wisdom tooth extraction oh joy.

Leaving the surgery I was a bit light headed and freaked, I needed to take my morning pills and ventured off for a bottle of water a cereal bar and some long releasing ibroprofen tablets. Then into work where I was appreciated and apparently missed. I know comparatively, my pain was small compared to a lot of others, my blight almost non-existent and the guilt then kicks in, did I make a fuss? Did I show myself up? Why is my anxiety so extreme?

For at least a month or so, it’s postponed. I’ll tell you something definite, the energy taken to be anxious takes it’s toll. I am exhausted beyond tired, for a change and it’s really refreshing. I’m happy to troll home, shower, put on some PJ’s and wind myself up in a cozy ball on the bed.

I hear you, what have I been doing since I last wrote?

Quite a lot really, my Bipolar is still cycling rapidly, I had hoped that the increased Depakote might have kicked in, fat chance. I’m swinging somewhere between rage, frustration and lethargy. I’ve had some wicked arguments with AT and generally sat on my fat arse watching the jobs and promises pile up around me. You see to a non Bipolar mind, you see jobs, you do them. In the Bipolar mind, depending on the setting, you see jobs and plan them in batches, think about the intricacies required to complete them and make an action plan, then fail spectacularly to complete them, there’s no explanation for this and being challenged makes it worse. The other option leaves you zooming around cleaning the bedroom and bathroom simultaneously, whilst speaking to your mum on the phone and texting your girlfriend and think nothing of it.

I know that I haven’t been pulling my weight with AT, but she just sees my point above as an excuse which upsets me more, as by her own admission “sometimes you are so good, other times you’re unbearable”, god EXACTLY. I’m finding it difficult to keep the promises I made when high, I promised my mum’s business a website, my workmate and I are selling vintage items on eBay and I have bought my own stuff independantly. Usually this is so easy it’s laughable, I’m having days where I am touched by inspration and pull off some great work, other days where I can say my name without trailing off it’s so frustrating and such a waste of me.

So here’s what I’ve been up to since the last blog:-

I had a fab two nights down at the seaside, chips, wind and cuddles.. in a campervan, can it be beaten? Doubt it.

I came out as Bipolar to my boss, eek. I was terrified of doing this, I intend to write an independant post about this subject shortly. But in summary, she’s an ex Psychiatric ward nurse and I was nervious about broaching the subject, due to perception and my own paranoia. She was brilliant – watch the blog for my post on coming out as Bipolar and my little take on it.

I’ve gently kicked my CPN’s arse, I’ve felt a bit afloat since my diagnosis. I explained to her that I needed routine, stability and fully planned sessions. I did this in my crafty and cheeky way, as not to alienate her and make her feel at a loss. It went well and abviously motivated her, i’m being put forward for some psychology work which can’t help but be a good thing and that we can try and build some trust. I explained a little of my paranoia and unsettlement at having appointments cancelled or moved. We’ll see how it goes.

eBay is going well, the auctions look professional and the items we’ve got on as a joint venture with a work colleague are going well. The items I have listed are selling are for a good profit and he feels confident with me, it’s a hobby really. AT and I are also doing a similar venture between us and enjoyed most of this weekend at car boots and charity shops picking up some good pieces and some duffs, it’s all about learning and it gives us a bit of motivation.

Anyway I think that’s enough chat for today, I’m off to swing up and down some more, it’s all I know and I do wish it could settle off and let me see how non Bipolar people live, sleep and feel towards other people. How uncomplicated and reliable it must feel.

Much love

-Beeper-

It’s All Working Out..

… I know I haven’t dropped in for a while, I had a bit of a “blip”. I didn’t want to turn into one of those bloggers that pulls you in with a “bleh” post, it’s not my ethos for this blog.

So I’ve spent time away (ish) from the net, reading and writing. My Depakote has been doubled from 500mg per day to 1000mg and combined with Citolopram, something may be happening. I say may, as it could just as easily be part of my cycle.

AT and I are now officially on leave from work until Monday, as of Thursday, we’re taking Mr. Bojangles to the seaside, for fish and chips and giggles.

I want to use this time to relax, think about what I’m doing and going to do with this blog and hoping to expand on some of the issues I touched upon in the little bit of my Biographical section I have written so far.

I’ve bought a non-self help / Bi Polar book to read (less thought involved for a bit), some diet cokes in the coolbox and a ton of juicy Haribo. This trip is going to be a blast, we even have electricity this time!

Until my return at some point over the weekend, stay safe, stay happy and leave comments if there is something you want to say to me, or that you want me to write about.

-Beeper-

P.S Life is good when you muster a smile.