Halfway To Arghh (and I Think I Left The Oven On)…

Oh what to say? I promised to be honest in my blog, even about the squishy bits, something which is somewhat alien to me.

One thing about my bipolar that I have noticed more than anything, is my intolerance to noise and in particular raised voices, it sets off a fight or flee complex. If I can’t turn the situation round, I can’t cope and I start a withdrawal that will involve an angry tirade or I will just become very quiet, remove myself from the situation. Both normally point me towards the start of a depression and I find it very difficult to fend it off.

I understand that people have the right to be angry sometimes, that in normal conversation voices can and do become raised. People are entitled to their opinions, I would always argue this. The issue I have is in the delivery, please, respectfully if you want to be around me, speak to me, I respond to it very well. When you raise the voice, start quoting me back and trying to tie me in knots, you’re pushing a deep pre-programmed button, which will result in us both being unsatisfied.

I have had that said situation right now, nothing I request seems to be going through. I know my GF is ill at the moment and not being herself, I am trying my hardest to be tolerant and supportive, cooking / buying dinner, tidying up and making sure there is cold medicines about. I know that she’s not sleeping properly, and some of that is due to a snoring issue my medication has brought out, so I have slept on the sofa to allow her a full night’s sleep. Still she doesn’t understand that I can’t deal with the angry and tinged outpourings, I’m tired too, on my way down and trying to hold it together.

You can’t dish bipolar up on a platter to show people how you feel and what it’s doing to you, how do you demonstrate a broken mind? Some people say they understand, but do they really? or are they saying that to stay onside? I barely understand my reactions, to what seem natural behaviours. I think this is me learning about triggers, what they are and trying (tactfully) to manage them.

Here I am, having a shitty few days. I haven’t done any of the work I was supposed to off my bosses’ shopping list (she’s on leave), eating like a horse, feeling a bit down in the mouth and lacking energy even to shower, when this is a ritualistic part of my being.

I am dwelling on tiny insignificant comments that people make, they’re whirring around in my brain, to the point I can’t see properly. Something silly like “snap out of it”, “get over it” or such said in jest, is building up a huge, inappropriate rage for me. It’s part of myself that I hate the most, the inability to let something go, just float away and pay no heed to. Something I inherently can not do, I wish people could see that their words are like oversized crows, adamant on pecking my heart out viciously.

The physical change is evident when I swing, I feel the chemicals whirring in my brain, it’s like a bunch of irritating worms, slowly crawling though your brain. Mix this in with the electrical pulses that shoot out, bipolar for me is very much a physical condition, which eats into my mentality.

I have a CPN visit this lunchtime, which should be interesting. She’s never really seen me like this as I am usually bouncing about, it’s hard to even look at people at the moment. I feel like I could walk up to the next inappropriately happy person and punch them square in the chops!

I need to remember to discuss my Depakote with my CPN, I haven’t seen her properly in about three weeks, even though it’s meant to be weekly. like her, so I think I let her off a bit. I only have about a week’s worth of Depakote left and before my upgrade, I need a blood test and a new prescription. I think they’re cutting it fine to pull it off, but we’ll see what happens. Maybe we’ll change level, mid month. I’m considering telling her about my mini-bursts of hypo mania, I think it’s that which is burning me out.

Here I go then, trying to pull the mood around, at work looking at the sunshine through the door and wishing I could be alone in my camper Mr. Bojangles in a field somewhere, with the door open and a good book, letting this shitty feeling wash over me and go for a journey of it’s own.

Whilst I’m drinking my second coffee so far, I’m thinking about my mum’s business opening this Saturday. I know she’s so excited as it’s her life’s dream to open it, we all got an invite to go along and my first response was Ugghh god I really don’t want to! I love my mum and I’m so proud of her, I just hate being at “events” and since my bipolar diagnosis, I don’t think she connects with me very well. I put her off with a text (my usual blanket of disguise), saying I was taking Mr. Bojangles away this weekend. I was feeling a little guilty about this, but justifying it to myself, until I got a text from my sister….. who was completely right. She asked if I was going to travel up and be at mum’s opening for moral support, god how much of a shit did I feel.. not to mention Hypocrite. She’s taking her new boyfriend up, which is lovely as he sounds so nice, must be serious, boyfriends never get an introduction. So I think I will U-turn and surprise mum with a big boquet of flowers and a hug. I think she deserves that much.

Right, I’m going to take my fuzzy, ungrateful, angry brain and try to do something constructive with it … “meh”.

I’ll see if I can gibber about the CPN visit a little later… stay safe.

-Beeper-