Ok… It’s Tuesday!

As promised yesterday, it’s homework time!

I want to plan a head and give my brain a little homework, so I think tomorrow’s subject will be around current feelings, what they mean and CPN attention.

So here we are, at the moment I’m not feeling anything long enough to understand whether it’s something Bipolar related, or whether this is a normal part of my personality. My CMHT believe I was 7 years old when Bipolar symptoms started to appear, I have no idea how I am supposed to understand my own personality with this in mind.

I have always had periods where I feel on top of the world, where I make people really laugh around me and I am the most fun and most sensitive person you could wish for. I think most of my previous girlfriends get attracted and caught up in this, they feed from it and contribute to it, enjoying the good bits and if I’m honest so did/do I. There is a huge hole somewhere though, where all my emotions leak out, where I am vulnerable, become absorbed in feeling other people’s issues and trying to heal them. I become tetchy, difficult to communicate with and inexpressive. When you consider the extroverted side of me, this sensitive side does not sit naturally with it, people can’t understand where you’ve gone, why you can’t pull yourself out of it.

I thought this was normal, constantly whilst being brought up I have been told “oh you’re just sensitive”, “you think too much”, “you have always been like this”. None of which helps, let’s face it, it’s not normal to be bouncing off the walls with excitement and being overly animated and hilarious and ego-centric, then be overly sensitive and introverted, scared to look up, to become attached to people. To be compulsive, obsessive and unable to function in a free and relaxed way, caught up in so many self-impose rules and regulations, to control the uncontrollable.

The people that probably meant well in what they were saying, only really succeeded in covering up a big issue and sweeping it away, something I think happens a lot in mental health. Had someone listened hard enough to the subtle calls for help I placed out there, stopped from the bullish “pull your socks up” chat, I could have had the encouragement I needed to just take the first steps.

A lot of the delay is also self imposed, I am a fiercely independent sole, trust me no one will ever to get me to dance to their tune against my will. Mix this in will thick headed pride and mis-trust of the NHS and you will understand that I had partly resigned myself to limiting my life and relationships in order to try and make my way through. Here I am at 32, after a big burst of Hypomania at Christmas, then an extended down. I realised that there was nothing else to manage or limit, I had run out of options. No amount of obsessions, rituals, self-comfort and change could prevent how I was feeling.

After years of difference, I opened up to my younger sister on the phone. Started to finally express myself and stand up to her bullishness, explain that I didn’t agree with all of her views. Once we got past these issues, I could see a future for us being friends, like we used to be. We started texting regularly, talking on the phone etc. During a mammoth call, I opened up and told her how I was feeling and what it was meaning for me. I think she could see looking back, that this has been a long-standing issue, with previous treatments for depressions etc.

With encouragement, I finally made a Doctor’s appointment that I didn’t cancel (usual practice). I tried my usual thing of just letting a little bit out and playing poker face, but I couldn’t this time, trust me when I say that the little bits I let out normally get a strong reaction from the GP, so what would a full *bleh* get? Well the good news, was that this was a new GP, I registered elsewhere as my previous GP just was not listening and when AT came with me for support, he tried to fob me off with sleeping pills.

So here I am, new GP, lip trembling and I start to explain a little about how low I’m feeling. Then *wallop* the barrier crashes, I’m sobbing, shaking, trembling, talking in baby breaths, explaining about how poor I feel. GP was amazing, listened to me intently and asked questions in the right places. Clearly, he couldn’t spend to long with me it was a 10 minute appointment, but he was the first one to suggest Bipolar, after seeing that Andi-Depressants have a funny affect on me… He put me on a good dose of Citrolopram which is an Anti-Depressant suitable for Bipolar sufferers, with a view to keep an eye on me. we talked about sleep routines, de-stressing and mood diaries. I was going to be referred to the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT), who would observe me and possibly make a diagnosis.

Here’s what happened so far with the CMHT:-

• Met my CPN, who is the same age as me and seems fairly relaxed and understanding
• Had a full Psychiatric history interview and assessment
• Been jabbed by the vampires and full blood test
• Met Psychiatrist
• Charted moods and feelings and kept a diary of thoughts and feelings
• Been prescribed a mood stabilizer “Depakote”
• Had weekly meetings with CPN to talk about treatment and feelings
• Attended a Psychiatric review day and was a live case-study for a number of Psychiatric consultants, registrars and professionals. Answering questions and talking about my own experiences.

My CPN has been good so far, the only thing that I find slightly irritating is that we re-arrange a lot of appointments, she’s a bit sketchy. I haven’t seen her properly in over two weeks, which is a bit crap when you have built up a form of promise and trying to build a relationship. She seems sweet though, so maybe I need to stop being such a stickler and let the relationship blossom a bit?

I think my CPN care deserves a post all of it’s own, so that’s on the notepad, for future review!

My mood is a bit zippy at the moment, I’m not on a therapeutic level of my Depakote yet. As the drug is an anti-convulsion mainly used for mood-stabilizing effects, it also has a number of scary side effects too, so we have to build it up. Basically, since I’ve been taking it, it’s just habit forming and tolerance testing. I’m on about a quarter of what I will eventually be on, I just need to be sure that I can tolerate it. Seems ok so far, when taken with Citrolopram, at night on it’s own, it can zonk me out a bit… which is refreshing. Let’s see what happens.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this Bipolar diagnosis and watching myself, it’s a really big thing to get your head around. But at the same time, nothings actually changed, I just have a name for my strange behaviours.

In the past two months of my chart, I can see that I have mini bursts of Hypo mania, mixed in with a low of about a day or two. The up’s are definitely outweighing the depressions, but this is not usual for me, it’s shorter than usual and a little more intense, wonder if it’s the drugs? Citrolopram is renowned for it, probably as the Depakote is not theraputic yet, it’s pushing me up?

Anyway, between the little bursts of *wheeee*, I’m having extended periods of feeling nothing, not a sausage. It’s weird, being a person that feels a swallow blink as it flies overhead, to have no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions, just going with it. Not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse, but it’s something I’m working on!

So yesterday was fun, back at work and did (almost) diddly squat, concentration and interest have taken a mini-break together. Managed to cover it fairly well….

Got home and felt a bit *whang*, so decided to hoover out car and camper <?> The clutter and muck was getting me down and making me feel hemmed in, so sod it, let’s take the *whang* out on the vehicles in a constructive way and get some fresh air at the same time. So there I was hoovering for the nation like a mad arse git, cleaning all the fabrics down and freshening, cleaning all the vinyl and sorting out all the appropriate drawers etc. Felt really good, just being left to it.

After packing away, I was in with the girl, talking about…. go on…. guess…. camping, lol! She’s feeling a bit crap with a cold or some sort, so early night for her. A nice hot shower for me and sloppy shorts, reading my way through the net and some interesting blogs, eBay, Msn talking bollocks and bed at about 1am. I’m sleeping a little better, but nowhere as much as I would like, think it’s the tail end of the little Hypo mania I had last week.

Ok So, 1600 words later, I’m not sure if I hit my objective… I’m waffling, so probably best to sign off.

Kepp well.

-Beeper-