Have you ever looked at yourself so hard you go blurry around the edges? I feel a bit like that at the moment…..
I’ve been asked by my Psychiatrist to be a “Live Patient”, for their group of trainee Psychiatrists. I am more than pleased to do this, if it means that the future MH Care Givers get a first hand account of Bipolar and the triggers and symptoms. This day is tomorrow, so today I met with Junior Psychiatrist and my CPN, allowing him to fill in some gaps in my history notes and allowing him a chance to meet me first hand. It was a little awkward, as it always is with a new consultation. He asked some really specific questions and it made me look at myself so differently.
He asked if I ever knew that there was something wrong? What was I doing in the time I knew? It’s an obvious question, but at the same time, a probing one. I’ve always known there was something wrong, but what do you do when the professionals don’t want to listen? Since I was 15, I have been in and out of the Doctors a few times, not many as I don’t like the fuss. Only to be told, “you’re depressed, here’s some pills”. “There’s nothing wrong with you”, “You’re Hypoglycaemic and Anaemic” and just before my diagnosis, when I was beginning to get high and my GF took me to my then GP, “here’s some sleeping tablets, relax, take these and wind down at night”, that was particularly grinding after opening my heart up about what is now obvious and classic hypo-manic symptoms! I know that Doctors and Care Givers are under such pressure these days, but does it cost anything to listen and to question, to push things and see what floats to the top?
As a result of this poor care, I registered with a different GP practice and my faith in the system is renewed. I was referred in 6 weeks to my CMHT, diagnosed in 3 weeks and starting appropriate care within 2 weeks of that. I am a long way from fixed, or from happy, but I feel reassured that I am not an attention seeker, in fact it seems I didn’t shout loudly enough and was perhaps a little to compliant with poor care. It has been 25 years since the Bipolar symptoms raised their head and I have missed out on some important pieces of my life, however in retrospect my journey has led me to some of the best things I could only have prayed for, including a beautiful GF, a cool job and a hilarious outlook on life (at times).
I think the lesson here is to look deeper at people, you see what you want to see. To get a true picture, at times you need to pick up on the intricate signals, the word in a sentance that’s not quite right, the look in a person’s eyes, the feel from their space. One gentle out-reach can bring about a crashing of pretences and often, sends someone down a path of insightful truths and agonies. There are no more pretences, no more safety and comfort, just life on a plate.
For me, I feel as though I have been unleashed. I am pondering the full impact of Bipolar and looking back over a lifetime of what is now apparently Hypo-mania and Depressions, some of it hilariously funny, some of it soul-crushingly painful. I have finally found that there is a way to move forward and to try and make a happy route for myself, trying to make the most of my lot and invest fully into my own care. I have the right to ask for help, the right to expect a fulfilling life and the passion to make it so.
On a positive note, I kidnapped BJ (my gorgeous mini-camper) and drove back to work at a leisurely pace, with Bob Marely playing on the radio, does it get better than this? Here is BJ, he’s the blue one on the right of the picture….
I’m not sure where I’m heading here, but I have a feeling that I will be adding to this.
- Beeper -
