Remember me?

Hi….. Been an age hasn’t it?!

Seems I’ve picked up some new readers, just as I fell off the edge of the earth. I hope you’re still with me.

Since Christmas, I started lithium, had my biggest manic episode ever, just about ruined every aspect of my life…. Then crashed. Fighting the cmht to come off lithium, the soul destroying sweet.

So here I am fighting my way back, my ability to read and write is returning day on day. So over the next few weeks I’m going to blend in the last eight months with current events and aim to relaunch my blog, back to where it should be.

If you’re Reading, say hi…. I love to know I’m not alone!

-beeper-

Btw, blogging from wordpress app on my iPhone, how cools that?

It’s getting lighter…

Firstly, happy new year!

I’ve been lame haven’t I?! As allways there’s been a lot going on. I am to summise it here and then pick it apart perhaps.

I’ve “Titrated” from Depakote to Lithium over christmas.

My CPN was withdrawn from me and placed back into crisis work. There are no other CPN’s on staff to replacr her. Meaning my progress has faltered and I have become depressed.

I have started therapy with a Psychologist and started to unpick my life, before we start on Bipolarity.

I have spent a substantial amount of cash on absurd products from eBay, then beaten myself severley for it. My favourite purchase was my cheapest, a Blackberry. I’ve used one for boring work things for ages, now splashing out for personal pleasure!

Infact, I think it’s quite fitting for an internet addict. I’m blogging from it now! Hooefully it hellp me hit my goal of posting little and often! It’s an older model, but should keep me going until I upgrade in september.

So there we are, that’s me. Whilst I listen to the wind whipping up to a storm, I will sign off.

- Beeper – xx

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Irritation………..

What the hell is irritation and what is it’s use?

I am seriously wound up at the moment, every little incident or flicker of issue is triggering my irritation and mania. I can’t stop spending, I’m looking at things that I know I don’t need and are bloody expensive for example a PS3, a Polaroid PoGo mini-printer, things which will give me short-term pleasure and relief from my irritation but will then turn to serve me further irritation and upset when it comes to paying for it.

My CPN cancelled our appointment on me Yesterday, she text me to say she wasn’t in work and that she would call me today. I text her to say that it was ok, but is it ok? This is my second week on Lithium and I feel a bit isolated, I felt a bit let down that she wasn’t around. My CPN is I would say the only person that understands my highs, spots them and talks me through it, for this reason I think this hurt a bit this time. so far no phone call, the niggling voice says she won’t call as she doesn’t give a shit either way, but there’s a part of me hoping she does call… I need some spurring on and I want the nag to be proved wrong.

My concentration is shot, I can’t read anything for more than 2-3 minutes and even then I’m staring. My speech is slurring and jagged and I’m becoming a little frustrated, it’s like having a speech impediment, I understand their annoyances.

Sleep is laughable, if I’m lucky…… I’m in bed by 2am and up at 7am, disturbed throughout the night. I can’t sleep, I don’t want to sleep. It’s as though my brain is scared of missing something if I sleep, not sure what it is. The soundtrack that accompanies me when I feel like this is loud, noisy and non-stop. It’s my own voice. Constantly analysing myself, the day, family, purchasing, obsessing over my latest random interest.

To my partner this makes no sense, the time between us is gone as I am distanct. I can’t do touch, I don’t want to commuicate. I can’t stop talking, but it’s not making a lot of sense, it’s just rambling. It eats me up, but she’s got used to blocking it out.

Every gesture from every person is upsetting me, from the look a random car driver gives me to the way a dog trots into the office. The person that irritates me the most is myself, I can see me getting tense and then I get angry about my tension. It’s a never ending cycle, which I find hard to communicate to people. They say back to me that I should relax, not be so hard on myself. It makes sense, but that’s the whole point, I don’t make sense and I don’t know how to break that down into practical work.

*sigh*

I had a situation at work this morning, I know that the official term for this is probably “trigger”. It almost sent me into orbit. Have a read of this and tell me if it would have hit a nerve with you:-

I work for a very small company, there are 5 full-time members of staff and a temp (for the Christmas period).  I get a phone call at 11am from a colleague, what am I doing for lunch?  My answer? I don’t know as I haven’t planed anything.  I was then told the rest of the office are going for lunch and could I cover the phone…. meaning I was not invited.

I hit the roof (internally), my work has saved their arses in the last few weeks.  Last week alone I had to invoice all November deliveries because of the budget change, a whole £5.5 million worth on my own and this is my thanks.  It was the hardest bitterest de motivator I think I’ve had in my time here, they say actions speak louder than words and believe me the message has come in loud and clear.  It’s back to minimum work again, no more than I need to do to get by and no personal favours, why if I am as indispensable as they make out, can’t I have a perk?

So here I am it’s 5pm and my CPN hasn’t called, seems that the nag was right after all, how disappointing.  The one thing that I need is consistency, perhaps as my partner points out my standards are just far too high and people can’t meet them!

Either way, I’m exhausted for once…. I think today has worn me out.  I have to go to the outlaws tonight to colour some hair and have dinner, following that I think it will be a shower and an early night, with as few provocations as possible.

It’s a full on weekend again, repairing PC’s, tidying up…. trying to be nicer to my girl.  Whatever you’re doing, make it fun and have a good one.

-Beeper-